Bridge & Tunnel vs Hoof & Mouth

All New Yorkers are descended of immigrants, Algonquins and Pequots aside. (Yes, there is some debate as to who gets to consider themselves American Indians but my feeling is as long they open up a casino I'd be willing to accept B'Nai Brith.)

As such, it is patently hypocritical to admonish the most recent wave for doing exactly what our forefathers did; which is to come to the center of the known universe (screw you Boston, you know we are) and try to make a better life. It is also to be expected that they continue the tradition of assuming that THEY are the true New Yorkers and that this entitles them to treat the next wave, and anyone else, like shit. "We are the 'yearning to breath free'-you are the 'wretched refuse'-get it straight"

That little bit of somewhat-PC apologia aside, I am going on record as saying that the border must be closed immediately! Not THAT border, you Minutemen morons. (And by the way, nice name. Is that something you should advertise? Cialis much?) No, I speak of the Lincoln Tunnel, the GW Bridge and both airports. The Mexicans can stay but the suburbanites and country folk must go! And take the goddamn hipsters with you!!

Rising in numbers surpassing the Norway rats are the Mid-Western/Long Island/New England nudniks (it's Jewish, if you can't understand you're not a New Yorker so go home shiksa). I'm gonna lose it if one more calls me, a born and raised Brooklynite, "bridge and tunnel". So what the fuck does that make you "plow and hearth", "lawnmower and Prozac"?

And what anoints them with the right to do so? Location, location, location. The only thing that they have (supposedly) going for them is that they live in Manhattan, while some of us still languish in the Boros. Allow me to rephrase that: that they are STUPID enough to pay some exorbitant amount of money to live in a fifth floor fleabag and pay what their dad owes the bank on his farm each month for the privilege of looking down their noses at those of us who get that being a New Yorker means more than being bled dry by your landlord.

To wit, for your edification, a brief list of what else not to do:

-Stop showing up to Yankee games anytime after the first out. Yes, I get that more people will see you if you arrive once the proletariat is seated but the problem is that I didn't pay good money to see some over-paid spoiled asshole in pinstripes ruining my view of the field. OK, I mean, I did. But he's A-Rod and you're not, so sit the fuck down.

-Being tough does not mean being rude. Here in the big city we have what I like to refer to as survivalist etiquette. Play nice because you never know whose gonna whip out a gat and let two fly. When you share a city with 8 million of your closest friends and neighbors you kind of need to understand that pushing and shoving, cursing or generally being a prima donna simply won't work. What it will do is eventually get your ass kicked by one (or several) of the 8 million who, like you, isn't having a good day either.

-Don't be a "flat leaver". When I was kid in Brooklyn that's what they called you if you abandoned a friend in their time of need or because you found something better to do. 9/11 wasn't the first and it won't be the last. How many of you whinging pussies ran screaming for Bismark when the buildings fell only to move back when the coast was clear? (Oh, and thanks for raising my rent, asshole). You know what? That's not how the game goes. You fly with me, you die with me. Someone once said to me that I was crazy for staying here and that I should move to Ohio where it was safe. And I replied that I'd rather die in NYC than live in Ohio because at least here you die once and there everyday is a little, tiny death. Don't believe me? Order a pizza in Columbus and see what happens.

-Quit looking down your nose at people who make less money than you or other immigrants from further afield than you. That Irish construction worker covered in dust that you refuse to acknowledge on the subway is helping build the over priced condo your sorry ass is destined to live in. He is now where your great-grandfather was 100 years ago. Let's hope Liam's grandkid is less of an ass.

What is it that causes you to denigrate us? Why the need to ridicule us? Our hair may be bigger, and our nails acrylic and our A's flat. We may say girl so it sounds like oil and oil so it sounds like girl. We may not have gone to Wharton-but you know what, maybe we did. Or our kids will. Maybe your mad at at us because you dreamed of the day when you would fly here. And all we've ever had to do is cross those bridges and traverse those tunnels and arrive at a place with a common history, a singular emotional shorthand, a language all our own-our home.

Showing up doesn't mean you were invited. Kudos for having the good sense to get the fuck out of whatever third rate train stop you grew up in but that's all anyone here owes you. You want to belong? You want the right to have Southerners call you a damn Yankee or have Eurotrash roll their eyes at your brashness? Then you have to pay dues. You have to suffer through the fear that some other idiot's god has "blow up some shit" on his agenda. Maybe you could even spend a summer in the city and not run off the Hamptons-as if! Perhaps you could try celebrating Christmas/Hanukkah/Kwanzaa/Ramadan/Festivus here with us, creating your New York family, and not flying back to the very people from whom you couldn't wait to get away. Have the Yankees/Mets/Giants/Jets/Knick/Nets and/or Rangers break your stupid heart, year after year after long suffering year. And still you show up at Ranger home games in a Messier jersey and chant "beat the wife Potvan" even though you have no idea who Potvan is or why he'd want to -but you're looking forward to finding out.

Make this your home. As ever, all are welcome. All I'm asking is that you not be a jerk until you've earned the right to do so. You come here and get rich(er), right? Maybe you could stick around long enough to maybe have some kids and raise them here and not in some godforsaken suburb they'll only hate you for later. Maybe you could learn to appreciate that those bridges and tunnels carry the people who make your life possible. That guy driving the subway on New Year's Eve, carrying your drunk ass safely back to the Upper East from the Lower East-he's bridge and tunnel. And your assistant who keeps you sane when your "even a bigger asshole than you are" boss drives you nuts-she's bridge and tunnel. And that great Halal cart that feeds you at lunch so you have the energy to be the "big swinging dick on Wall Street" that you are and future "Master of the Universe" that you were destined to be-yes, that guy is bridge and tunnel too.

We agree to acknowledge that's it's not your fault that you come from a shit hole. That no self respecting terrorist would waste the powder it took to blow up your home town (or state).
We who were born here and live here are blessed by the gods and have a responsibility to be magnanimous. This city is so big and so great and so diverse that there simply has to be enough room for all of us to coexist. For generations people have left behind their petty tribal squabbles and found a new life on the streets of New York. You're going to tell me that an influx of other Americans is going to bring us asunder?

Oh well, nothing civil about a civil war I guess. We better start patrolling a perimeter on the Verrazano.